My World has Flipped Upside Down

I cannot begin to express just how the rebuilding of my life is going.  It’s going well, and it looks nothing like the broken pieces that were strewn about in February.  I still struggle with the flashbacks of my past, but I am making actual changes to embrace my beautiful present and future.  I have had more happy days, than sad days.  I cannot even believe that I am typing that.  I still struggle with feeling guilty for being happy, but I am.  I have reconnected to my sister after almost 10 years.  We had talked over the years, but we were estranged after a major disagreement. I didn’t have the ability to speak through my pain and neither did she.  It was just another major heartbreak from a loved one I imagined would never leave me.  I still feel guilty for the pain I caused her.  It hurts my chest to hear her cry.  I never wanted that to happen to either of us.  Our experiences without each other in our lives sounds almost identical, and I can totally relate to her pain.  I accepted responsibility, as did she.  I never imagined we would be able to talk about our deep wounds without screaming, crying, and fighting.  The floor was open, and I finally told her my perception of what happened.  She said she remembered.  I just sat in that pain.  I listened to her cry, and I shook my head because we lost 10 years that we will never ever get back.  I cannot help but feel that we both love, respect, and appreciate each other the way we each deserve.  I’m never leaving her again while I am alive and I will find her in the afterlife because I’m just that determined when it comes to my sissy.  I respect the woman she has become, and I have taken her wisdom to make some of the biggest lifestyle changes I’ve ever seen.  She’s been a patient voice walking me through that, and I’ve listened to her talk about her trials.  I allow the pain to course through my veins.  I have to sit and feel it because it’s real.  It takes a lot out of me when we have these tough talks, but it’s been years in the making.  I am grateful to be alive to emotionally connect with my sister in love.  We inherited anger, rage, confusion, poor communication skills, pain, and dysfunction.  We walked in that all of our lives.  Even though we loved each other, we tore each other to shreds because that’s all we knew.  We know better now, and we want better now.  It takes patience and time to move from what was to what is and to create the future we want.  I am so happy I have my sissy back.  I felt like I was dead, unloved, unseen, unheard, and discarded.  While I was wondering in the desert,  so was she.  That hunger for love caused us both to allow people to treat us terribly and to attract people who fed off of our loneliness.  She lived the same life I did, and all the while I thought she didn’t want me in her life.  So I wandered alone.  Each additional heartbreak I accepted or expected and I abandoned people too.  I am experiencing such growth, my dreams are coming true, and my health is improving.  When I decided to walk in a different direction in February, I haven’t looked back.  I have tough days where my past demons scream in my ear and attempt to cover my eyes again.  I have to fight to get back to the light.  I have to fight for my family and fight for the love I want to call my own.  I have to be purpose-filled and not allow problems or challenges to take over my life.  I cannot sit around waiting for someone to rescue me.  That’s not how this works.  I have to keep walking literally to witness this amazing journey called life.  Who would have thought?  This all started with a conversation at work and “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown.  A former co-worker recommended this book to me.  My life has never been the same.  I don’t want it to remain the same.  I want positive change.  I am positive change.leaves

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