Decluttering the Mind

I went on an apology spree because this part of the Lord’s Prayer had backfired, “Forgive us of our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”.  I realized I had unhealthily been blocking myself from moving on by holding grudges.  I remember leaving my friendship with my best friend from high school in shambles. I just sat in the pain until it calcified…for 18 years.  By then, I had already been let down and thrown away so much that the fact I didn’t make it last with my best friend was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Why bother?  I was just a high school friend, and high school was over right?  I had a habit of doing this because I held the belief until recently that unless I was seen as important or valuable to someone, I wouldn’t be able to settle conflict and move on from it.  I kept looking to others for my price tag.  How valuable am I?  What am I worth?  No matter what, I always saw $0.  Letting other humans determine my worth has been my downfall for years.   If I determined I wasn’t valuable to the other person, those were the two choices I picked from.  I may have spoken up, but by the time I did, I was a volcano of anger, or an open wound of pain.  I sucked it up and acted like it never happened, or walked away.  Sucking up past problems builds resentment, and resentment is dangerous.  I didn’t think I was worth the conflict resolution in my family or friends eyes.  I developed defense mechanisms that shut my soul up in a concrete fortress.  I kept looking outward for gratification, instead of working on my own skeletons.  I realized I had been a hypocrite, and couldn’t be upset at someone not forgiving me when that is what I had did for years.  I hadn’t learned the art of maintaining boundaries with people I loved. I hadn’t learned to value myself first and foremost.  When I left it to everybody else, the price kept changing.  I know what God says about me, but I turned away from Him too.  I thought, “Well if that was the case, if  I’m so “fearfully and wonderfully made”, why did my father leave? Why did I put my  hand through that window?  Where were you?”  I was either on or off, hot or cold.  That is no way to live.  I am free to forgive others, and I am free to forgive myself.  I had been holding so much in, that my blood pressure shot up last year.  I just swallowed the pain like I’d been trained to do.  My old habits and ways have been survival tactics that wrecked havoc on my life.  I don’t have to be afraid anymore.  I am free to be me.  Me, without all of my fears.  I have to let all of the pain go.  I am giving myself permission to move forward.  I have to drop offenses as soon as they happen, because I cannot carry a hardened heart.  It’s okay now.  I am allowed to breathe.  I have to take out the garbage and declutter my mind multiple times throughout the day, not just once every ten years.

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